Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize