At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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