When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
