My underwear smells like fireworks.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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