I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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