I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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