Jerry, you need to find god
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
