I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
