they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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