YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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