I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
