He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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