I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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