I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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