My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize