to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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