I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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