I accidentally burped into my bong.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
