Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
