UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
