I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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