I will die if light touches me.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
