That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
