checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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