So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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