You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Vodka?
Forever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
