All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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