Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
