Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize