I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
