You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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