What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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