Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
