Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
