i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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