I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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