he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize