Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i drank out of a bidet.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
