All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
