Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
