oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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