Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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