Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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