I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
