pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
