John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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