Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
