You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
