I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
