Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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