Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
