You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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