two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
