That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
