well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
