hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
