u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
