also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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