who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
