look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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