Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
