My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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